


My Heart, My Pain Won't Cover Up

by kyewopen



Series: Unrequited Love [2]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Best Friends, Heartbreak, Kinda, M/M, Sad, Smut, Song fic, Unrequited Love, Wedding, joshler - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2019-03-02 21:04:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13326327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyewopen/pseuds/kyewopen
Summary: Josh is having a hard time dealing with his feelings for Tyler.[You can totally read this without having read the first part, only the theme (unrequited love) is common, they have nothing to do with each other]





	My Heart, My Pain Won't Cover Up

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry.

_Is that seat taken? Congratulations, would you like to take a walk with me?_

 

Nobody told you that love could hurt that much. You grew up in such a supporting and loving family that you only supposed that love was the solution to everything, that love was the key to be truly happy. And maybe, it’s a little bit naive of you. It surely is. But after all, that’s just the way you are. You’ve always been a bit naive, a bit idealistic. You were the kid with too many dreams. The boy dreaming about playing drums in front of thousand of people. The boy dreaming about being a big star.

It never caused you any problems, though. You were used to be labelled as the idealistic boy. You were used to it. And you were fine with it, even. You’ve always believed that with enough energy and determination, your dreams would eventually become your reality. That hard-work would always pay off, at some point. And look at you, now. You were right. You did it.  

Of course, there were moments of doubt. It wasn’t always easy. You remember that day. You were feeling desperate. As if your dreams were unreachable. You had put so much energy in them and you felt like you were stuck in the same spot, unable to move. It was scaring you. It was terrifying you, even. You didn’t want to be stuck in this music store, listening to records of people who had succeeded what you had failed.

It all changed, though. It all changed when you met him. Your friend was a drummer of some band called Twenty One Pilots and he had invited you to one of the shows. You hadn’t really listened to them a lot and you had no real expectations. But what they did was like nothing else you’ve ever seen before. Even after all this time, you can remember that moment very clearly. You’re playing it again in your head sometimes. You had been fascinated. Fascinated by the lyrics, by their energy, by his voice, by his every move, by how insanely passionate he was when he was playing his songs.

And that’s when you met him. Your friend introduced you to him after the show and you ended up talking the whole night about your aspirations, your dreams, your biggest fears. You had social anxiety at that time, yet talking with someone had never felt so easy. You just clicked, and you never thought it was humanly possible to get along that well with someone. But he proved you wrong.

You soon became best-friends. And when you’re thinking about it now, you know that it was so much more than friendship. For you, at least. It was so much more than that. It always has been. Just not for him. And if only you had known that, back then, you would have done things differently. You would have done it so differently. You would have done something. Anything. To let him know. To let him understand that he was everything to you.

Only, you didn’t even know you were bisexual. You had been raised in a catholic household, and although your parents are not the type of people to judge someone from their sexual orientation, you had just learnt that being straight was the only norm, than anything else was considered to be ‘deviant.’ So how could you know you were in love with your best-friend?

You’re in this hotel room, now, in front of his mirror, trying to get your feelings out of your chest once and for all.

‘Tyler, There’s… There’s something I have to tell you… I think… I think I’m in love with you.’ You say, and let out a nervous laugh. ‘See, Dun? Not that hard.’

You’ve been telling these few words to yourself for a while now, but your reflection is much easier to face than your best-friend, and the words seem to get stuck in your throat every time you lay eyes on him. Especially now he met this girl. Jenna, you think her name is. He seems to be head over heels this time, and it’s scaring you. And it shouldn’t. Cause let’s face it, Josh, you know your best-friend is straight, he told it to you many times before, so why does a tiny part of your brain still hope that this can change?

‘You’re so fucking stupid, man, just get over it.’ You say to yourself.

‘Get over what?’ Tyler asks while opening your door.

‘Huh? Oh, nothing, I was just… Thinking out loud. What’s up?’

‘Nothing much… Just wanted to hang out.’

‘Sure, what do you have in mind?’

‘Mario Kart?’ He asks with a big smile while handing you one of the controller.

‘Alright, then get ready, cause I’m gonna kick your ass.’

‘Sure you will, but we both know that’s quite not true.’

He ends up winning both rounds, as always. He has always been a competitive person, for as long as you can remember. You used to hate this kind of person, but this time, it only made you fall in love with him even more. And you can’t really explain it. You just know that if it wasn’t for his competitive spirit, you wouldn’t have been where you are right now. After all, he’s the mind of the band. That’s what you’ve always thought. You don’t have his soul, you don’t have his talent, his voice, his imagination. You’re just drumming by his side.

He’s laying down next to you right now, and you’re watching him, and you can’t look anywhere else. His hair, his nose, his mouth, his eyes. Everything about him amazes you. You would give everything to kiss him, to feel what it’s like to have his lips against yours. And the fact that you know this will never happen makes your heart ache a little more.

‘Josh?’ He said, and you realize that you may have been looking at him for too long, so you quickly look away, to avoid any suspicions.

‘Hum? What’s up?’ You ask with a smile.

‘You remember this girl? The girl I talked to you about?’

 _I wish I could forget_. You tempt to say.

‘Yeah. Jenna, right?’ You say.

‘Yeah. I think I’m going to ask her out.’

 _Please don’t_. ‘Okay.’ You answer. ‘That’s a great idea, man.’

‘You think so? I’m kinda scared to do the first move.’

‘Come on, Ty, who would resist your pretty face?’ You add, and he laughs.

 _This laugh_. His laugh. It sure is the prettiest sound you’ve ever heard. It’s weird, how someone can be stuck in your head for so long. You’ve always thought that if you were trying hard enough, you would eventually forget about him. Because that’s what everybody says. Time is supposed to heal. And you’ve waited for so long, already.

A long silence has set in between the two of you. You’re still laying down on this bed, watching the ceiling. You’re wondering what the rest of your crew is doing. You planned to visit the city in the night-time but until then, you’re free to do whatever you want.

‘When do you think you’ll ask her out?’

‘I don’t know. Once the tour is over, I guess.’

‘Nice. You’ll keep me updated, yeah?’

You don’t know why you said that. You sure don’t want to know about his love life. But deep down, you just want him to be happy, and if that means you have to suffer, well then you can handle the pain for a while.  

‘Sure, I will.’ He says. ‘I really like her.’

‘I know.’

And then, you’re giving him your best fake smile, you’re used to it by now. But your whole body screams to let go of the pain.

Nobody told you that love could hurt that much.

You wish someone had.

 

_My mind, it kind of goes fast, I try to slow it down for you._

 

You’re in Cleveland. It’s the last date before the end of the tour and then you’re going back home to your parents’ place. A part of you can’t wait to go back home to see your family. It’s been two months, now, since you’re on the road and you missed their faces so much. You’ve always had a strong sense of family, for as long as you can remember, and even though you wouldn’t trade your life for anything in the world, sometimes, this empty space you’re feeling in your chest is too deep.

Today is one of those days.

You miss them. In fact, you miss everything about Columbus. You miss the air, you miss this park where you used to skateboard in with some of your friends, Tyler included. You miss your house. You miss your childhood room. You miss your dad’s cooking and the fact that he always used to cook your favorite meal when you were feeling down. You miss the deep conversations you had with your mom the Sunday nights, in the darkness of the living room, before going to sleep. You miss playing basket-ball with your brother every day after school. You miss everything about your old life.

It’s not like you don’t love your new life. You love it. You love travelling from states to states, with your best-friend. You love playing in front of hundreds, sometimes thousands of people. You love meeting and talking to your fans after every show. You love visiting new cities, new countries. You’re even used to sleep in this crappy bunk and shitty hotel rooms. You don’t want it to stop. Ever. You just thought that maybe if you would reach your dreams, this unbearable feeling of void and emptiness in your chest would eventually disappear. And sometimes it does. But you were wrong. It’s still here. It’s always coming back at some point. And it’s okay. You’re just human. You got it now, it’s not about the celebrity, it’s not about how much money you earn and how many fans you have. It’s not about the success. It’s not about how many dreams you reach, how many goals you achieve. It’s just about being human. Sometimes, it just hurts. That’s just the way it is.

You’re sitting on the floor, your head leaning against the wall. You know you have to go on stage in a few minutes, you know Tyler will eventually open the door and tell you to get ready. But you’re not sure you have the strength to do anything tonight. You just want to snuggle into your cushions and close your eyes.

And then the door is being opened and you can see _him_. He’s coming in with this same huge smile on his face. You wish you could be as strong as him. You wish you could be as brave as him. You’ve always admired him a lot. Of course, he has his own issues, but you’ve always thought that he was handling it better than you were.

He squats down in front of you and his smile slowly disappears to be replaced by a knowing look and concerned eyes.

‘Are you okay in here buddy?’ He asks. But you can’t answer anything. It’s not the first time it’s happening to you. He’s used to it by now.

‘Are you okay to talk?’ You’re shaking your head.

‘Okay.’ He says. ‘That’s okay.’

‘Can you move?’ You’re shaking your head a second time.

‘That’s okay too. We’ll take it slow. They can wait.’ He says, smiling.

‘Are you okay with me sitting next to you?’ You nod.

‘Do you want me to stay silent for a bit?’ You nod again. ‘Okay.’

That’s one of the reasons why you love him that much. He doesn’t try and push you. He just waits for you to be ready to speak. He gets you. He just does. You don’t think anyone understands you better than him.

‘I’m not going anywhere.’ He says while putting one of his arms over your shoulders.

You can feel that tears are rolling down your cheeks and you slowly put your head on his shoulder and he doesn’t do anything to stop it. You’ve always been very close to each other. It’s not rare for you to cuddle, to hug or to hold hands. You wish you weren’t like this sometimes, because it definitely doesn’t help you to get over him, quite the contrary.

‘Do you ever feel like everything is slipping away from you?’ You finally say.

‘How come?’ He asks.

‘I… I don’t know… Maybe it’s more like I’m the one slipping away from...  From my life, I guess. When… When you’re in a rush, when you feel like everything is going so fast, or when I’m having an anxiety attack, sometimes, I just feel like I’m losing touch with reality, like I was… Like I’m so detached from my surroundings. Like I’m out of my own body and I’m watching it sleepwalking through life?’

‘You mean you feel disconnected?’

‘Yeah, like everything around you feels so… Distant.’

‘It happens to me too, sometimes. It’s not rare when you’re having really bad anxiety, I think. I read an article online, I think it’s called depersonalization.’ Tyler says. ‘Is it what happened to you just now?’

‘No… Not really. It was less abstract, but similar. My mind… It was going very fast. I was thinking about my old life, and… I thought… Have you ever been afraid of…I’m scared that someday, we’ll start slipping away from each other. You and I.’

‘I get what you mean but Josh… I really don’t think we will.’

‘How can you be so sure? Sometimes, life is just… Life just take things away from you. And I don’t want you to… I don’t want that happening with you.’

‘I don’t want that either, Josh. I know that sometimes, you have no control over what’s happening in your life, but… Josh, I can’t think of a future without you in it. I know it sounds cheesy and quite cliche but… We’re best friends, Jishwa. Hell, we’re brothers.’

 _Yeah_ , you think. _Brothers._

 

_I want to give you something I’ve been wanting to give you for years_

 

You’re finally home. You’re laying down on your bed and your eyes are closed. You’re not sleeping, you just thought you could use some rest after these two months of tour with Tyler. You hadn’t really noticed it before with the adrenaline, but the shows have tired you out. You’re glad that you have one month off to get some rest and enjoy the time with your family.

You’re feeling pretty good, today, and when your phone lets you know that it’s noon, you decide to get up and to join your dad downstairs. It’s his day-off today and your mom is still at work and is not coming back home to have lunch with you, so are your brother and sisters who are studying today. It will only be you and your dad today, but you’re not complaining.

‘Ah! Finally up!’ Your dad says, smiling.

‘I was awake, just didn’t feel like getting up.’

‘So, how was the tour?’ He asks.

You came back home very late the day before; your brother and sisters were already sleeping, and you didn’t have time to talk to your family about the tour.

‘It was amazing! It feels kinda weird, though, to see all those people gathering up only for our music, sometimes, we’re even recognized in the streets, it’s like… It doesn’t feel real. But it was so good! We could visit every city, some of them were so beautiful, I could show you some pictures, if you want!’

‘I’d like that! When are you going back on tour?’

‘In one month, we have a small tour in Europe. But we’re not very famous over there, so I guess It’s gonna be different. Still good, though.’

Your dad keeps asking you many questions about the life on tour and he’s telling you all about what happened when you were away. You used to call them very often while travelling, but it’s still good to be reminded of some things you missed.

He’s soon serving you the meal he just cooked, and your smile couldn’t get any bigger. If there’s one thing that you have missed while on tour, it’s your father’s cooking. You didn’t really have time nor the money to eat in fancy places every day during this past month and you and Tyler usually ended up eating in fast-food. It wasn’t very healthy, but the daily workout and the shows were making up for it.

You’re about to ask your father about his job when you feel your phone ringing in your jean’s pocket. Your phone is usually always on silent mode during breaks because it’s the only way you found to truly rest. There are so many distractions and social medias can drive you crazy sometimes, especially now you’re famous. You’re taking your phone in your hand and you can’t help but smile when your eyes fall on the screen. It’s Tyler, calling. You’re usually waiting for a few seconds to pick up, you don’t really know why, it’s just a habit, you think. Maybe you don’t want to sound desperate. But this time, you don’t. With Tyler, it’s different.

‘Hey man, miss me already?’ You ask, moving away from your father.

‘You know I do’

‘What’s up?’

‘I have some great news.’ Tyler says, and you’re afraid to know what It’s about. After all, It’s all he could talk about for the past few days.

‘I asked her out! Jenna, I asked her out!’

And you’re hurt. Of course, you’re hurt. But it’s your best-friend we’re talking about and he sounds so happy that you just can’t help but smile.

‘It’s great man! What did she say?’

‘She said yes, we’re seeing each other tomorrow! Maybe we’ll go to the movies, I don’t know yet.’

‘Sick! I’m happy for you dude.’ And you are. But it only makes your heart ache a little bit more.

‘Thanks. Wanna hang out this afternoon?’ He asks.

‘I don’t know! I’m not feeling great, quite nauseous, I think I’ll stay home today.’ You hate lying to him. You’ve always hated lying to him. He’s your best-friend and he doesn’t deserve these constant lies. But sometimes, you just can’t help it. You don’t have it in you, today.

‘Okay.’ He says, with a note of concern in his voice. You know he’s not buying it. And you can feel the tears gathering up in the corner of your eyes. ‘Josh?’ He adds, after a while.

‘Yeah?’ And your voice is so weak that you’re afraid he can guess you’re crying.

‘Are you doing okay, buddy?’ He asks. His voice is full of concern and you can already feel a few tears rolling down your cheeks.

‘Tyler, I…’ You almost want to tell him. It may be the last change you’ll get. He’s not dating Jenna yet, you’re not doing anything wrong.

‘Josh? Come on, sweetie, you’re scaring me.’ It’s not the first time he’s using this nickname. You hate it as much as you love it. Because it’s giving you so much hope. When he’s acting like this, you can’t help but think that maybe, there is a slight chance that he feels the same. And you hate yourself for that. Because you know he doesn’t. You know he doesn’t think anything of it. It’s just you and him. It’s just your relationship.

‘Josh?’

‘I’m still here.’

‘What’s bugging you?’ And you realize you can’t tell him. You just can’t. Not like that. Not when he’s as happy as he is right now. You can’t do that to him. And you’re wondering what you could tell him instead. There has to be something. Anything. Anything to avoid that piece of information.

‘I’m… I’m bisexual.’ You say. It’s the first thing that crosses your mind. And it’s true. You thought about telling him for a while, now, you’ve never been afraid of his reaction but now you’ve said it out loud, a wave of anxiety travels through your body.

‘I know.’ He simply says.

‘You do?’

‘Yeah. I’ve seen you kissed a boy one day, at a party. A few years ago. Josh, it’s fine. Everything’s fine. You’re okay. I don’t think any less of you, why would I?’

‘I don’t know, I… I just got scared.’

‘You’re sure you’re gonna be okay, Josh?’

‘Yeah. Don’t worry about me, I’ll just sleep.’

‘Okay.’ He says, reluctantly. ‘I love you, man.’

‘I love you too.’ You say before hanging up. You wipe your tears with the sleeve of your shirt and you’re turning over, facing your dad who is watching you with a sad smile on his face.

‘Who was it, kiddo?’ He asks.

‘Tyler. I don’t feel great, dad, I… I’ll be downstairs.’

You’re going down the stairs and although your vision is blurry by the tears still rolling down your cheeks, you can feel yourself smiling. You love it in here. It’s your safe place. Always has been. You used to rush into the basement after a hard day in high-school, not even taking the time to say hi to your parents, sometimes. And then you would play as hard as you can. And that’s what you’re doing right now. You’re drumming so hard that you can feel your arms getting numb. You know that your dad is probably worried upstairs, but you just can’t stop. It has become a way of expression for you at this point. The anger. The sadness. The jealousy. You’re expressing each of this feeling through your drumming. And it’s never enough. And so, you keep on drumming. Because you’re not thinking about Tyler, anymore. You’re not thinking about this date. You’re not thinking about her. You’re in your own world. And you know that once you’re letting go of these drumsticks, you’ll be alone with these overwhelming feelings again. And you’re not ready to face them just yet.

It’s only when a drumstick slips out of your hand that you realize you’ve been drumming for two hours. Your whole body is drenched in sweat and you suddenly burst into tears. The next thing you can feel is two arms around your back. You think it’s Tyler, at first, but then you’re slowly being brought back to reality and you can hear the voice of your dad.

‘Josh, hey, you’re okay. You’re okay.’ He repeats. But you can’t stop crying. You can’t stop the pain. And you feel so stupid, to be shattered by emotions just because your best-friend doesn’t love you back.

‘I can’t do this, dad. I can’t keep pretending.’ You say, in-between sobs.

‘Is this about Tyler, sweetheart?’ You just nod. Because he knows, you’re sure of it. ‘You love him, don’t you?’

Hearing your dad saying these words only makes you cry harder. You’ve never thought you would let yourself be that vulnerable in front of your father. It’s not in your habits, to talk about this kind of things with him. But finally being able to share this secret that you’ve been hiding for so many years feels so comforting that you can’t help but feel relieved.

‘What happened?’ Your dad simply asks.

‘He’s just… He’s about to date this girl and I… It almost feels like he’s cheating on me, dad. It shouldn’t… I shouldn’t feel like this. But I do. I do.’

‘Josh, it’s okay to feel that way. You have such a special relationship, the two of you. And I’m sure he’d like to know what’s on your mind. You shouldn’t be ashamed of your feelings, honey. They’re valid. I’m sorry he doesn’t feel the same way. I really am.’

‘I love him so much.’ You say, and you’re crying even more.

 ‘I know.’ Your dad simply says. ‘I know. I’m sorry.’ He adds, kissing you on the head. ‘You should rest, Josh.’

You slowly nod and lay down on the couch, unaware of your surroundings. And then you’re closing your eyes, and you’re drifting off to sleep.

At least, in your dreams, love doesn’t hurt that much.

 

_I came to see the light in my best-friend, you seemed as happy as you’d ever been_

It’s been one year today. It’s been one year since your best-friend, the man you’re in love with, is dating her. And every cell of your body wishes you could hate her. It would be so much easier. To just hate her. But you don’t have it in you, anymore. You were reticent to meet her, at first, because you just wanted to be sure that she was good enough for him. And maybe it’s a little bit selfish of you. It surely is. After all, your best-friend is a grown up and can take decisions on his own, but you couldn’t help it. You’ve always been overprotective when it comes to him. You didn’t want him to end up disappointed, or disillusioned. You didn’t want him to end up as heartbroken as you are.

But she wouldn’t stop trying. She wouldn’t stop trying to reach out to you, and you finally gave up, after a few months. Because you were not doing it for him at that point, you were doing it for yourself. You were doing it to protect yourself. But you were hurting his feelings at the same time. And so, you talked to her, and the more you talked to her, the more you learnt to like her. Nobody could hate her. It was impossible. She was genuinely kind and caring and supportive but the most important thing, she was making him happy. And you could only love her for that.

And so once again, you just kept it to yourself. You even tried to move on. You dated this girl, for a few months. She was called Debby and she was one of the kindest person you’ve ever met. And you loved her. You really did. But it was nothing compared to what you still felt for your band-mate. You were still seeing him everywhere, and it was driving you crazy. You felt like such a fool. You felt like you were cheating on her, emotionally. You eventually broke up with her and when you told her the truth, you were expecting her to get mad, to yell at you, to make you feel ashamed of yourself, but she didn’t do any of that. She just listened to you, for hours. She just listened, and she understood. And you love her even more for that. You’re still talking to her from time to time, when you feel like you can’t take it anymore.

That’s probably what you would have done, right now, if it wasn’t for her hectic schedule. You’re sitting on a chair, your elbow on the counter of this bar, somewhere in Los Angeles. You moved here six months ago, thinking moving away from him would help you take your mind off things. You’re not going to lie, seeing your best-friend and her kissing and holding hands is easier now than a few months ago. You just came to terms with it, you think. Sometimes, we just have to accept that some things can not be changed.

But some days are more difficult than others. And tonight, they’re eating at this fancy restaurant to celebrate their one-year anniversary. And you thought it was a good idea to go out and drink your pain away with your friend Brendon who’s always up for a party. He’s nowhere to be seen, though, and you can feel someone staring at you. It’s a young man. He must be your age, maybe a little bit younger. You know he’s interested, he has made it clear by checking you out for a few minutes now. And you’re so drunk and so heartbroken you think what the hell? And you’re getting up and making your way to the bathroom of this bar, you know he’s going to follow you. And you’re right, you can soon see him enter the room and the next thing you know he’s leading you in one of the cubicles.

‘What’s your name?’ He asks.

‘Josh.’ You say. You know that it may not be a good idea to tell your real name, but the alcohol prevents you from thinking clearly.

‘Josh.’ He repeats with a small smile on his face. It’s a reassuring smile. A sincere one, you can feel it. ‘You’re beautiful.’ He says, and he seems genuine. ‘I’m Andrew.’

‘Okay.’ You just say, before crashing your lips together. You’re kissing him hard and you can feel him placing his hands on your cheeks, carefully. The tips of his fingers are playing with the roots of your hair and he’s soon turning the kiss into something more intimate and sweet. You’re not doing anything to change it, on the contrary, you’re bringing him closer by placing your hands on the back of his neck.

But then you can feel it. His perfume. It’s the same as Tyler’s. And suddenly, the whole thing is overwhelming, and you can feel your lips shaking and tears are rolling down your cheeks. But you don’t want to let him go, you just want to feel loved, you just want someone to take care of you. And it’s the closest thing you can think of right now.

‘Josh?’ The stranger, _Andrew_ , asks while moving his hands to your waist. ‘Trust me, I’m all up for what’s happening right now but… Are you? I don’t want to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, or not ready for.’

‘I’m okay.’ You say, almost whispering. ‘Please.’ You add. ‘I want this.’

‘What do you need?’ He answers, pressing your lips against yours for a second before placing them on your neck, sucking. And you have the presence of mind to stop him before he has the chance to leave a hickey.

‘No hickeys… Please.’ You say and he only nods. ‘Just… Touch me.’

‘As you wish, sweetheart.’ And he’s back to kissing you, but this time, with more haste and passion. His hands are soon finding their way under the fabric of your tee-shirt and you can feel yourself becoming more and more desperate for something more. You don’t care if you’re making out with this stranger, in these crappy toilets of this bar, with many people dancing and partying just a few meters away from you, you just want to feel something, anything. Anything but this pain that’s slowly eating you alive. You just want to think about something else than your best-friend who is probably lights years away from thinking about you.

Andrew is slowly asking you permission to unbutton your pants and you only nod, you’re already so tight in your underwear and you’re desperate for him to do something about it. He’s still kissing you and one of his hands is tracing the outlines of the tattoos on your right arm. 

‘For Christ’s sake, stop being such a tease and - ah!’ Your voice dies in your throat when you can feel his hand sliding under the fabric of your boxer short. He’s soon wrapping his hand around your length and you just gasp and hide your face in the crook of his neck. Your arms are still wrapped around his shoulders and small drops of sweat are rolling down your forehead and your chest. All you can feel in this very moment is this hand stroking your hard member and the breath of this stranger in your neck, and you know you’re not going to last long.

‘Andrew, I’m-‘

‘I know. It’s okay. I’ve got you.’

He’s speeding up the rhythm and it only takes you a few seconds to reach your climax.

‘Fuck’ You say, and your whole body is still shaking. ‘Thank you.’ You say, almost shyly, while he’s wiping his hand with a tissue. ‘Do you want me to…?’

‘I’ve already taken care of myself, but thank you.’ He says with a small smile. ‘Are you gonna be okay?’

‘Yeah, I… I was here with a friend. I… I’ll go get him and come back home, I guess. Thank you for… I needed that.’

‘You’re welcome.’ He says, and you’re about to leave this cubicle when he’s taking your hand in his, preventing you from moving. ‘Can I at least get your number?’

‘I… I’m sorry but I’m really not in the right place to be in a relationship right now.’

‘I just want to get to know you better, Josh. I like you, you seem like a nice guy… Please?’

‘I… Yeah.’ You finally say, after a while. ‘Okay.’ You hand him your cell phone and wait for him to save his number before taking it back. ‘Well… I guess I’ll call you. But please, don’t expect anything from me, I’m…’

‘I know. Please, take care of yourself, Josh.’ He says and kisses you on the cheek before going out of the bathroom, leaving you alone with your thoughts.

You try to look a little more presentable and leave the bathroom too after a few seconds. You find Brendon on the counter and you don’t have to say anything to make him understand.

‘Let’s drive you back home, yeah?’

 

_My chance of being open was broken and now you’re Mrs him._

 

‘She said yes!’ He said.

 _Of course, she did_ , you think. _She’s the luckiest girl in the world. Why wouldn’t she?_

Still, you need some minutes to figure out what this is really implying, and you don’t have time to react that your friend Mark is already hugging your best-friend, congratulating him. And you’re soon doing the same thing, placing your chin on his shoulder.

‘I’m so happy for you, Tyler.’

And for once, you truly are. You’re not lying. You just accepted, over the years, that you can’t be the one he needs. You can’t be that person. And that’s okay. It doesn’t make you any less jealous. But there’s nothing you can do about it, now.

You’re in Paris, right now. Tyler has told you that he wanted to propose in this city because Jenna has always loved it in here. You couldn’t help but make fun of him a little, when he told you, because you thought that it was the biggest cliche of it all, but you can’t blame him, you’re quite cheesy yourself, when it comes to him.

He’s telling you all about her reaction and you don’t think you’ve seen him happier. He’s radiating joy and delight and you try your best to seem as ecstatic as him, asking him questions, many questions, to avoid thinking. She’s soon joining him and she’s showing you the ring, beaming.

‘Congratulations’ You say to her while taking her in your arms. ‘You’re a lucky girl, you know that, right?’ You can’t help but tell her in a low voice. You don’t want Tyler to hear it.

‘I know.’ She says, smiling at you with such a knowing look that you almost think she _really knows_.

‘Well, I’ll let you guys have some privacy. But we’re celebrating tomorrow, okay? Don’t be too loud tonight, some people want to sleep.’ You say before quickly taking a few steps backwards to avoid the hand of Tyler which was about to tap you gently on the back of your head.

‘I do hope I’m your best man, though?’ You ask, walking backwards to your room.

‘I think I just changed my mind.’ He answers, playfully. ‘Of course you are, you’re my best bud.’

You’re giving him one last smile before going into your room, sighing. You jump with surprise when you see Mark sitting on your bed and frown when this one is smiling sadly at you.

‘You’re gonna be okay?’ He says, knowingly.

‘Why wouldn’t I be?’

‘I know you’re in love with him, Josh.’

You say nothing for a while. You’re just watching him with wide eyes, wondering how you can get out of this conversation. Because you sure don’t want to talk about it right now. You just want to ignore the fact that your best-friend is getting married until you can’t anymore. You’re considering lying to him, but you know just by looking at him that your friend is not going to give up until you tell him the truth.

‘How?’ You ask.

‘How what? How do I know?’ He says, and you just nod. ‘I guess I’ve always suspected it. You’re not being very discreet about it.’

‘Oh well, sorry for making it obvious, it’s not like I was-‘

‘Hey no, Josh. I’m not calling you out on this. I wouldn’t do that.’

‘I know.’ You say, taking a seat next to him, keeping your eyes down. ‘What do you want me to tell you, Mark? It’s not like I didn’t try to move on. I did. So many times. But he’s just stuck in my head, you know?’

‘Maybe you should have told him, Josh.’

‘And what? It wouldn’t have changed anything, Mark. He’s straight. He wasn’t going to turn gay all of a sudden because his best-friend is in love with him. And I’ve tried that too, Mark. It just wasn’t worth the risk.’

‘I’m not saying it would have changed something. I’m just saying that maybe it would be better for the two of you. Maybe telling him would help you move on, you know. You won’t be able to keep it a secret forever, man.’

‘Yeah? Well watch me.’ You say, and you leave the room.

But as you’re walking down the streets of Paris, a tiny voice in your head can’t stop repeating the words of your friend. _Maybe he’s right_. You think. _Maybe I should tell him_.

 

_My words, they don’t come out right, but I’ll try to say I’m happy for you._

 

Today is the big day. Today is his big day. You’re watching yourself in this mirror and you don’t think you’ve ever been more nervous, maybe you’re as nervous as he is right now. As the minutes pass, you can feel yourself getting more and more dizzy, you’re so hot you might faint at any moment. You can hear your heart pounding in your chest and it’s getting more and more difficult for you to breathe. You know that you’re on the verge of a panic attack and the irony of it all is that the only man who could comfort you is the one slipping away from you.  

‘I can’t do this.’ You say to yourself. ‘I can’t do this, I can’t do this.’

‘Yes, you can.’

It’s your dad, talking. You didn’t see him entering your room. He’s leaning against the door and he’s watching you with a sad smile on his face. He’s the only one to know in your family. Or maybe the others know too but don’t say anything about it.

‘Dad, I… He’s getting married… Oh god, he’s getting married, dad. I’m losing him, dad. I’m losing him.’ And you can feel the tears gathering up in your eyes. You don’t try to stop them. Better let them roll down your cheeks now than during the ceremony.

‘Listen to me, kid.’ Your dad says, placing his hand on the back of your neck. ‘You’re not losing anyone. He’s not going anywhere.’

‘I’m losing him.’ You repeat. ‘I’m losing him, god.’ You repeat these same words again and again and you can feel your whole body shaking. Suddenly, you’re gasping for air and your father is watching you, helplessly, without knowing what he’s supposed to do. You let your body slip against the wall and you’re wrapping your arms around your knees, your hands clenched in your hair. Your body is rocking back and forth, and your hands are shaking, and you’re _terrified_. Tears are rolling down your cheeks and you silently burst into tears, hiding your eyes with one of your hands. You can hear someone talking but you can’t quite register the words that are being said to you. Then, you can feel a hand being placed in your hair and you’re slowly looking up to see Mark, squatted in front of you, and your father, still standing in your room, looking at you with a shocked expression.

‘Hey buddy.’ Mark says with a gentle voice. ‘Can you breathe for me, please? In… And out. That’s it. Do it again, please.’ He’s not letting it go until your breathing is slowly getting back to normal.

‘I don’t want to lose him.’ You say.

‘I know. And you won’t. I promise you.’

 

_And I can’t change this, I can never take it back, but now I can’t change your mind._

You’re in the church, now. You’re standing at a few meters from this altar and you can’t stop looking at him. He’s beautiful. He’s so beautiful. While everybody is looking at her, you only have eyes for him. The ceremony has already started for a few minutes and you try so hard to focus on what it’s being said but your mind keeps wandering. You can feel the eyes of Mark who’s glancing at you from time to time, to make sure that you’re doing okay. And you will be, or at least you think you will. Tyler is now standing with your back on you and you can’t help but feel relieved. Because you’re not sure you would have been able to look at him without tearing up.

But then, he’s turning over to take the wedding rings that his brother is handing him, and his eyes fall on you and he’s smiling widely at you and you can’t take it anymore. You stand there with a lump in your throat, trying to fight back tears. The smile of your friend suddenly disappears, and he looks at you for a few seconds with an expression you can’t quite understand. It’s only a matter of seconds and he’s soon turning over to face his soon to be wife and the next think you know, he’s kissing her on the lips. A small tear is rolling down your cheek, but you quickly wipe it with the sleeve of your suit jacket. Nobody notices it, though, and the only ones who do just think you’re being emotional, that you’re moved. Except from Mark who is looking at you with compassion.

 _Are you okay?_ He mouths at you. And you just nod. Because you’re not, but what can he do about it?

Soon, you follow the people outside and try to avoid Tyler as much as possible. You hate small talks, but you try your hardest to do it anyway. You stay there for a while but eventually leave the crowd to rush in the nearest room you can find. It’s a small room, you don’t think that anyone will bother you in here. You’re taking deep breaths, you promised yourself that you wouldn’t burst into tears and you’re planning to keep it that way. You just need time to keep your mind off things for a while, and you’ll be okay. You know that people are not going to look for you right now and Tyler and Jenna are probably busy talking to people and have their official pictures taken.

You take a few steps towards a sink and you splash your face with water to try and freshen up a bit. You’re placing your hands on each side of the sink and you look at yourself in the mirror for a while, jumping with surprise when the door is being wide opened. Your only guess is that Mark followed you here to check on you, but your eyes fall on Tyler instead and you can feel a wave of anxiety suddenly going through your body. And so, you do the only thing that comes to your mind and you take a few steps towards him to take him in your arms.

‘Congratulations, my man!’ You say, trying to sound cheerful.

‘Josh, what’s going on?’ He asks.

‘Nothing! I just wanted to… To freshen up, a bit.’

‘Stop lying to me, please.’

He sounds so determined to know what is going on and you know he’s not going to let you go just like that. You feel trapped. Your first reflex is to see if there is another way out, but you know there isn’t. You’re alone with him.

‘Honestly, Tyler. I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. You shouldn’t be here anyway, it’s your wedding day. I’m okay. I promise.’

‘Josh, you’re my best friend. I don’t care if it’s my wedding day, I’m not going out of this room until you told me what’s wrong.’

‘I was just feeling a little bit dizzy. I just wanted to be alone for a while. That’s it.’ You say. And you know he’s not buying it. But you don’t know what to say to avoid telling him the truth.  

‘Oh, for god’s sake, Josh! Cut the crap! We both know that there’s something more. What’s happening? What’s going on?’ He says, and you can feel he’s getting angry. And you don’t like the sound of it. You wish you could run away. Because it’s the last thing you want, right now, for him to get angry on his wedding day.

‘Tyler, please, don’t push it.’ You say, trying to make him understand that now is really not the time to be having this conversation.

‘Why do you hate her so much?’ He finally asks and you’re looking up to him with wide eyes. 'Why do you hate Jenna so much?'

‘I don’t hate her, Tyler. I’ve never hated her.’ You say, calmly, taking a seat on this couch.

‘You do! You’re trying to sound all cheerful when she’s next to me, but you’re faking it, Josh! It’s all fake! The smiles, the hugs, the ‘congratulations’, it’s all fake! What, do you think I was that stupid not to notice that you weren’t being genuine? Break news, I did! Why can’t you just be fucking happy for me, for once?’

‘Why do you think I can’t, Tyler?’ You say, yelling even louder than him. ‘Why do you think I can’t?’

You hadn’t planned to scream. Hell, you hadn’t even planned to say those words. You just did. He was shouting at you with so much anger, and you deserved it. You know you did. But you can’t stand the idea of being on bad terms with him. And so, the words just slipped out of your mouth.

‘Are you… Are you in love with her?’ He says.

‘For fuck’s sake, Tyler, it’s you! I’m in love with you!’ You say, so loudly than you’re almost sure than people can hear you. But you don’t care about them, right now. Right now, you only care about him. Because he’s looking at you with wide eyes and with such astonishment that you just know that he was lights years away from the truth.

You’re still sitting on this couch, your hands in your hair, silently praying for Tyler to say something, anything. Because the silence is deafening. A few tears have rolled down your cheeks and this time, you’re not doing anything to try and stop them. Your eyes are stuck on the ground, and you don’t dare looking up to him because you’re afraid of seeing the look on his face.

‘For how long?’ He says. His voice is cold, and you can feel your heart ache a little bit at this. You open your mouth, trying to say something, but words just don’t come out. You want to lie to him, say that it’s only been a few months, but you know you can’t. There’s no going back now.

‘For how long, Josh?’ He repeats, his voice even colder.

‘I don’t know… A while.’ You say in a low voice.

‘How _long_?’

‘Tyler, please… Don’t.’ You beg him with a shaky voice.

‘How long?’ He repeats another time, louder.                                     

‘Five years.’ You answer, almost whispering. You’re terrified.

‘You were in love with me this whole fucking time, Josh?’ He says, raging. ‘And you never thought it was a good idea to tell me?’

‘I… I tried, Tyler. I just… It was never the right time.’

‘Oh, and my own fucking wedding is the right time to you?’ He snapped.

‘It’s not like you left me the choice!’ You say, and you know it’s not making you look any better, but you don’t even know how to defend your point.

‘Don’t you dare put this on me, Josh! I thought that after all this time, you would at least – Never mind. You know what? Drop it. I can’t deal with this shit right now.’

And then, he’s turning over, but you just can’t end the conversation like this, and as he’s about to open the door, a sudden rush of adrenaline pushes you to speak.

‘I’ve wanted to tell you so many times, Tyler.’ All you can see is his back, his hand is on the handle of the door but he’s not moving. He’s staying motionless and you take this as an invitation to say more.

‘I’ve wanted to tell you so many times.’ You repeat. ‘And I know I should have, but… Tyler, you mean the world to me. I didn’t want to lose you. I didn’t want to ruin what we had… And I know that’s probably what I just did but… I was scared. I’m sorry. I know it was selfish.’ You say. ‘But don’t think for a second that I’m not happy for you. I am. I know it doesn’t seem like it and that’s only because…. Because I’m jealous. Of her. But I know she loves you just as much as I do. And as long as you’re happy… Then, I’m okay with whatever.’

‘Do you at least know what it makes me feel like, Josh?’ He asks. He doesn’t sound mad, anymore. Only hurt. ‘I feel like one gigantic asshole for letting you go through this on your own.’

‘Don’t.’ You say, immediately. ‘It’s not your fault.’ You add, crying. ‘I just… I’m the one with messed-up feelings.’

‘You’re not messed-up, Josh.’ He says, letting go of the handle and taking a seat next to you. And it doesn’t take him long to hold you in his arms. ‘You’re wonderful. And I wish I could reciprocate your feelings. I really do. Because it would easily make me the luckiest guy in the world.’

You hide your face in the crook of his neck and suddenly break down in tears. Because he’s always been like that, so caring, and you feel ashamed of yourself for doubting him, even for just a second. And it only makes you fall in love with him all over again.

‘I love you.’ You say, in-between sobs.

‘I love you, too, Josh. So much. Just as much as you do. Just as much as I love her. Just in a different way.’

‘I know.’ You answer. ‘I’m sorry.’ And you’re crying even harder.

‘It’s okay, Josh.’ He says with such a gentle voice. ‘Let it go. I’ve got you.’

‘I’m sorry I ruined your wedding.’

‘You didn’t ruin anything, sweetie.’

You don’t know for how long you stay like that. You don’t even see Jenna opening the door quietly and looking at the two of you for a while before smiling sadly at his husband, to let him understand that she _knows_ , that _it’s okay_ , that he can take all the time he needs to make you feel better. You only feel the hand of Tyler tracing small pattern on your back and the other one stroking your hair, gently.

‘I know that it probably doesn’t help, right now, but you’re going to find somebody else, Josh. Somebody that would make you happier than I ever did.’

‘What if I don’t?’ You ask, shyly. ‘What if you’re the only one?’

‘I’m not.’ He says, letting go of the embrace only to place both of his hands on your cheeks. ‘Of course I’m not.’ He adds, kissing you slowly on the forehead. ‘But Josh, just know that I will _always_ be there for you.’

‘Thank you.’ You say, and you let him wipe your tears with the sleeve of his jacket. ‘You should… You should go. You’re the main man of the day, after all.’ You add, smiling, and he lets out a small laugh at your remark.

‘Do you want me to get someone to drive you home?’ He asks, and you frown at him, not sure to understand. ‘If it’s too hard for you, you can go. I’ll understand.’

‘I wouldn’t want to miss my best-friend's wedding for the world.’ You answer, and he’s smiling warmly at you before getting up.

‘Jenna is getting all the compliments, but can I just say that you’re beautiful today?’ You ask, looking up to him.  

‘Stop it’ He says with a wave of his hand. ‘I know.’ He adds, and you can’t help but to laugh at that. ‘Are you ready to go?’ He asks.

‘Go ahead, I’ll try to… To look more presentable.’

He nods and smiles at you before closing the door.

And when you join the main table, just in front of Tyler who steals a kiss from Jenna, they both seem so happy that you know you don’t have to worry. _He’s gonna be okay._

_And so are you, one day._

**Author's Note:**

> Writing this fic was so hard but I'm kinda happy about the result. I was having this awful writer's block and I suddenly got inspired for this one so I really hope you liked it!
> 
> By the way, the song is Congratulations by Blue October, go listen :)


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